Newsblast, January 26

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January 26, 27,777

TIME PIRATES PUT DREAD QUARTER IN CYBER-DEEP-SIX

The entire Dread Quarter of Halifax_1 is now caught in a time rift following an attempted transdimensional crossrift by time pirates searching to integrade reality shards into the Prime Timestream. The shard-hunting pirates, it seems, were attempting to fold realities for the express purpose of acquiring more episodes of Cybersix, a Canadian/Japanese adaptation of an Argentine comic book. Originally having aired between September and October of 1999, our piracy-inclined fellow citizens claim to have found a shard where the show ran for six seasons, with two movies and a direct-to-video live-action spinoff. It is unknown how much they attempted to recover.

“Look, man”, said J3FF Chunklop, one of the three pirates who were recovered from the crossrift. “Did you even watch Cybersix? No, nobody did, that’s the problem. It was rad, though! Her brother was a panther! Come on, man!” The pirates are being held on charges of time-ripping, as well as suspicion of folding a proscribed reality.

Meanwhile, the Dread Quarter- renowned in Halifax_1 for being just kind of weird in a way that’s hard to put your finger on but definitely just makes you feel kind of gross- is inaccessible thanks to being caught in a temporal crossrift. Time scientists claim that the inhabitants (and infrastructure) of the Dread Quarter are now aging at twice the normal rate, relative to us. However, as the police have long shunned the Dread Quarter, it is not expected that a rescue attempt will be forthcoming. “Could be…” Police Sergeant Chickadee Hambone mused, her eyes both wistful and, in the opinion of this reporter, a little sad. “Could be we’re just gonna… sort of let this one slide.” She then left in enthusiastic answer to Police Constable Gunnigan Flipflap’s offer to play a pickup game of 2v2 hoops.

PROSCRIBED CARTOONS ON THE RISE

The Binary Order, it seems, is having trouble keeping up with the proliferation of proscribed cartoons, both new and old. Pirate Cartoonists, such as FLYKNIFE COMICS, VIOLENTSOFT, and DANK//STANK, continue to create new proscribed works as well as fold reality shards to ensure that currently proscribed works never go out of print. Works can be proscribed for any number of reasons, as we learned from Binary Hierarch Cosette Vipersting.

“That’s a toughie,” she said, on being asked what could get a cartoon or comic proscribed. “Well, promoting communism is a big one. That’s a no-no.” She seemed to retreat into her own mind, and stared into the middle distance with disquieting intensity. “Proliferation of a memetic virus, generally. Memetic viruses like communism, for example. Let’s see… cursing, maybe? Both the cuss and the magical crime.” She drummed her fingers on the Altar of Law, as if searching for additional reasons. “I dunno,” she concluded. “You just gotta feel it, really. Proscribing cartoons is more art than science.”

The Binary Order asked us to remind you that if you have come into contact with proscribed material, you are asked to please surrender it, and yourself, at the nearest Binary Order checkpoint for destruction and incarceration (respectively). Alternatively, Binary Hierarch Vipersting suggested that you might instead surrender your worldly possessions, drop off the grid, and become a no-good low-down dirty cyberpunk, so that the Police have free reign to open fire on you. “That’s a popular option among the youth, these days,” she added, in the long-suffering tones of a disappointed father.

THIS WEEK IN HISTORY

WISDOM OF THE DAY

(Twelve-second string of high-speed chittering, as of speech that has been artificially sped up.)

ALL POWER TO OUR HACKER FRIENDS IN THEIR STRUGGLE AGAINST THE TYRANNY OF THE BINARY ORDER

SEE YOU NEXT NEWS CYCLE,
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